This Isn't Just Another "I Survived a Cult" Post

Last night I finished watching Shiny Happy People, season two, on Teen Mania Ministries. As I clicked the remote control off, I felt the fire that’s been smoldering in my bones the last two decades catch a fresh flame. 

Among the alumni there is debate about whether it was a cult. It definitely was. But not all cults are created equal. This wasn’t Waco.

I was an intern in the Aug 97-98 cohort. I worked as a marketing team captain responsible for filling the seats of the Houston Astro Area for our Acquire the Fire youth convention. I was also on several dodgy adventures that involved school buses full of interns crisscrossing the continent to work as convention road crew. All of this was on top of our full-time jobs, studies, physical training, accountability groups, fasting requirements—you get the picture.

Once, descending the mountains outside of San Bernadino, California, our bus caught fire. The young person driving had ridden the brakes all the way down. As we hit a traffic light, people honked horns and pointed frantically to flames coming out of our wheels. More than thirty of us crashed for days in a small house offered by someone’s relative, waiting on bus repairs.

I was scheduled to fly home on vacation and managed to get a ride to a Greyhound station in L.A. Two days later, I’d peed in almost every bus station from SoCal to Dallas. But I made my flight out of DFW and that was all that mattered to me.

Back then, we never questioned expectations of us. We were paying for the privilege of being radical for Jesus.

My upbringing was so extreme that arriving at Teen Mania was a bit of a break from the intensity of my home life. That must contribute to why it didn’t have the same impact on me, that it did others.  

I’ve been called rebellious a time or two. But I just had a quiet caution toward leaders who demanded obedience and submission. The truth was, I thought more deeply than they did. I could see holes in logic or inconsistencies of character. I was cooperative, but I never offered true respect that wasn’t earned.

Looking back now, what seemed like rebellion to them wasn’t rebellion at all—it was perception. Consciousness. And not everyone develops it at the same pace.

I was more serious about my passion and conviction than anyone I knew. That was why I questioned so consistently and wrestled so profoundly with my faith. I was all in. I planned to die spending myself in service to Heaven. I had a sense of humor, but not when it came to my commitment to God.

Unlike the majority of people I know, even many fellow Christians, I had a very real and intimate sense of companionship with God. I wasn’t adhering to my religion as much as I was searching for ways to meaningfully live out my connection to my Maker. Raised in fundamentalism, it was several years into my early adulthood before I could fully differentiate the two.

It was my intimacy with my Maker that always prompted me away from the zealotry of religion, and deeper into the loneliness of true communion.

Recently I picked up Jim Marion’s amazing work, Putting on the Mind of Christ. In this phenomenal synthesis of Christian mysticism, developmental psychology, and consciousness research, he explains different levels of spiritual perception.

He cites studies of young children who have not developed cognitive awareness of conservation of liquid. No matter how many times you pour the same water between two glasses, they will always insist the taller glass has more water than the shorter one. They cannot perceive differently. But once their cognitive abilities have further developed, they automatically recognize the displacement of the water doesn’t change its volume.

Marion quotes psychologist Ken Wilbur:

“...if you show them a videotape from the earlier period… they will deny it’s them! They think you’ve doctored the tape!”

He goes on with other research examples that demonstrate how human brains develop, which alters perception, which alters interpretation. It isn’t just in childhood that this happens. It can happen as long as we are alive.

We take for granted that all adult humans are on the same cognitive level, but that just isn’t the case.

It isn’t just intelligence or intellect that is different, it’s levels of consciousness that cause individuals to look at the same data and derive very different significance from it. They’re looking at the same thing—but seeing something different.

Not all religious people are the same. Spiritual perception varies widely. When we adhere to faith from a basic cognitive level, we think in religious terms. We value rules and codes and conformity. We follow the letter of the law because there is limited ability to recognize the spirit of it. But as we continue to develop, our perceptual abilities change. It isn’t caused by righteous behavior, but by expanding consciousness. 

Eventually, the spiritually mature will discard the law as they move deeper into the spirit. Not in rebellion, but because they don’t need the training wheels it once provided.

Once you have spiritual eyes, you stop seeing religious shapes.

They can’t imagine believing that changing the container changed the volume. They can’t understand why those who once sat beside them, don’t see the obvious.

But those who haven’t developed greater levels of consciousness, cannot believe anything but that a taller glass means more water. They cannot imagine a view of religion different from the codified culture and creeds they cling to.

And never the two shall meet. Cognitively.

Many of us who entered that radical program developed in very different directions.

Some stayed loyal to the same theology because it still works for them. Their consciousness is satisfied by the meaning it provides. If they acknowledge harm, it’s minor compared to what they still hold dear. The structure still meets their needs for meaning and belonging. Any critique of it is seen as an existential threat that must be shunned or silenced.

If your life only made sense if your religion is true, you’d protect it with your whole heart too.

But others—like me—didn’t walk away because we lost faith. We walked away because we grew. Because we saw more. And for that, we were shamed.

I spent years and years in secret loneliness where my spiritual life looked nothing like anyone around me. I rejected the control of leaders who had limited discernment. I didn’t do it gladly, I desperately wanted to belong. But I couldn’t unsee what I did.

The lonelier the walk, the more fluent I became in learning directly from Spirit. The more I learned in direct communion, the less I looked like anyone from my former religious world.

Humans are communal creatures. We need deep connection.

There is a psychic tear that slowly grows as spirituality deepens and former human ties weaken. It breaks your heart while amplifying your soul.

Then, one day, you wake up and look around, and all that is history. Somewhere along the solitary path, your wounds heal, and you find yourself connected to everything and everyone, not just the little world of religious adherents. You lost your life and gained the world.

As the last episode of Shiny Happy People connected the thread of the religious radicalization of our youth to the fabric of fascism that threatens to cover our nation, I felt like I was waking up all over again. It’s true. It’s real. Our innocent, blind belief was a part of the movement that has enthroned Christian nationalism. It was us. Our passion, our energy, our bake sale fundraisers, our cries and prayers and tears.

And all that proves is that we can do it all again.

We can be the movement of Spirit, not law. We can step into our expanded consciousness with fresh awareness. We can alchemize the shame and suffering, and lap the leaders we once looked to.

If you once suffered under religious dogma and domination, you carry a potent power the world needs—now. You know the danger of blind faith. You know the weight of true conviction. Your soul is music and muscle. The world needs what you’ve become.

It’s time to make shit happen.

I’m not suggesting marching in the streets. This isn’t about going toe to toe. We don’t live in the same plane of reality, there is no point contending with undeveloped consciousness.

The call for us is higher. The conviction we have is deeper. The Love we know is surer. We do not fight flesh and blood but ideas that set themselves up against the Kingdom of God, otherwise known as you and me and every human gifted with the Breath of Life.

If you want to gather, in Spirit and in Truth, c’mon.

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