What It Means to Be a Provider

I've been thinking about this for a while. As a woman who has spent years of my life dedicated to a partner's success, I've had to clarify for myself and any future partnerships. I've dated men who assumed that their bank account got my juices flowing. For me, that assumption dries them up.

If a fat wallet gets you going, here’s some food for thought. If you’re a dude on a shoestring, consider the following.

Being a high-earner doesn’t automatically make you a provider. To provide means something entirely different than picking up the check.

You can make millions and still be a terrible provider.
You can receive no paycheck and be an incredible provider.

To be a provider isn’t about economics; it’s about energy. It’s not about what you have. It’s about how you use what you have—time, money, energy, care—to support another person’s ability to get their needs met.

The Full Spectrum of Human Needs

Remember Maslow's hierarchy from school—that pyramid showing human needs from basic to complex? In relationships, true providing means supporting someone's developmental journey, not just keeping them fed and housed.

• Physiological Needs. The basics matter. Food, shelter, safety from the elements. Standard survival stuff.

• Safety Needs. Safety isn't just physical—it's emotional too. Feeling secure, stable, protected from chaos.

• Love and Belonging. We need to feel genuinely connected, accepted, like we belong somewhere. This isn't just romantic love—it's feeling truly seen and valued by the people who matter to us.

• Esteem Needs. Everyone needs to feel competent, capable, respected. We need confidence in ourselves and recognition from others that we bring something valuable to the world.

• Self-Actualization. This is where we discover our potential—what we're uniquely capable of, what we're here to do. It's about becoming the fullest version of ourselves.

• Self-Transcendence. Something interesting happens after you reach self-actualization: helping others flourish becomes your need. You begin to perceive how your life is interconnected with the world around you. You understand that the best way to ensure your own needs are met is to ensure your neighbor's are as well. When you have developed authentically, you simply can’t fully enjoy success while others are struggling.

Not everyone actualizes. Fewer transcend. Sometimes they don't have support. Often they are unaware of what their needs are, and try to meet them in ineffective ways. Think workaholism or self-medicating with substance abuse. Some people spend decades searching for real belonging and never find it. Sometimes people grow content or check out before reaching higher level needs.

What Providing Looks Like In Real Life

A stay-at-home dad could be a phenomenal provider if his efforts make it possible for his partner to pursue meaningful work that covers their expenses. He's creating conditions for her self-actualization while handling the foundation stuff that makes it possible.

In any healthy partnership, both people are providers for each other.

Who creates emotional safety in the relationship? Who handles the social connections that create belonging? Who believes in their partner's dreams when confidence wavers? Who manages the thousand little details that make space for someone else to focus and grow?

Reflecting on historically traditional roles, it becomes obvious that women have often been amazing providers.

In same-gender couples, this can be easier. With fewer baked-in expectations, there’s more space to consciously decide what’s needed and who’s best positioned to provide it. Every couple—every individual—deserves that kind of clarity and freedom.

How To Be a Good Provider

Real providing means asking questions like: What does this person need to grow? How can I support their journey without controlling it? What barriers can I help remove? What conditions can I help create?

For those who want to be providers, this redefinition is potentially challenging and liberating. It’s challenging to acknowledge that most human needs are not related to money, though money is a crucial part of reaching higher level needs. (You never get there if the bills aren’t paid, and eviction papers get slipped under the door.)

If you assume paying the bills entitles you to call all the shots, then you’re in a different kind of relationship. In a healthy partnership, all human needs are recognized and prioritized. Both partners are needed to develop. 

But if you assumed you couldn’t be a provider because your ambition isn’t capitalist glory, it might be liberating to understand the reality of providing. The aim isn’t just to earn money; it’s to be committed to a clear set of priorities about how that energy is spent in the service of one another’s needs.

When both partners see themselves as providers for each other's full human development, you quit keeping score about who contributes what. You start asking better questions: How can we both flourish? What does each of us need right now? How can we create conditions for each other to become who we're meant to be?

Being a good provider doesn’t mean being everything. It means being someone your partner can count on to care. To show up. To grow alongside them. To honor their needs, even as they change. And to protect their right to become who they’re here to be.