Bill isn’t the first person I’ve lost tragically. He’s not the first person who no longer walks this earth who I wish I could go back and change a few scenes or phrase things differently. But really, it’s so much more than that.

The thing is, sometimes we can fixate so much on someone that they stop being real to us. They become a screen on which we project our desires, obsessions, fears... whatever lives in our own depths.

Then one night two social workers called to tell me I'd just been indicated in a child abuse report. The next morning the bank accounts were empty. And my nightmare began in earnest.

For years I struggled with what felt like codeswitching. Before the phrase “spiritual but not religious” was so familiar, in my experience, people were generally religious, secular, or “New Age.“ I feared being found out for the freak I thought I was.

I’ve always loved feeling solidarity with other humans who are doing their best, despite their frailties and flaws. This is the kind of stuff I like to hear, so I thought I’d offer it to others.

Completely unedited, spontaneous recording as I hike. Raw thinking out loud about frameworks that have helped me make sense of spiritual evolution, relationship strain, and the universal human experience of growing into bigger questions.